So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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