So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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