I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
