Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize