dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Randomize
