i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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