Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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