If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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