He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
