Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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