Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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