ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
