I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
home. puking in laundry basket.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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