Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
