highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
