I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
