I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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