Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
