whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
