is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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