this boner is exhausting
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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