I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dear god my vagina.
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