do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
