i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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