the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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