I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
