Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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