First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
