Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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