I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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