I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
