the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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