Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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