Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Pooping to opera.
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