Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
