She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize