oh god the rape fog is back!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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