yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think I just sharted jello shots
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