just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize