They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
