Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Drake has all the answers
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
