marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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