My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
