he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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