also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
