please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
