so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
