I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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