If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
