I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
