hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
