Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
