i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
