Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
