I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
