I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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