Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
