I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
