never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
