i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
